Trigger Warning: The following post discusses abusive relationships.
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Abuse is how love is shown. That is something I was taught at a very young age.
It is something that I wish I was never taught. I can’t help but wonder if I had never
learned that, would I still be this fragile and scared girl who sits behind her computer
screen?
I have been in more abusive relationships than I can count on one hand. I am
only seventeen. Seventeen years and I have already suffered a whirlwind of emotional,
mental, and physical abuse. I was never okay with the abuse. But starting in elementary
school, it was ingrained in my mind that ‘That is just how they show they care” or
“That’s how their love is shown”. I stayed suffering the abuse because while I didn’t
like it, I felt like these people cared about me. I mean, they were giving me some sort
of attention I suppose which would be more than if I walked away. I think I fear of going
unloved and being alone. Those fears trap me.
My breaking point wasn’t hit until a few months ago. During that breaking
point, I lost myself completely. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I let my grades slip from
A’s to C’s, the things I love like reading or writing became nothing more than wasted
space in my life. When I hit my limit, it was like my heart and my mind completely
shattered. I broke. Breaking was horrible and tragic but I needed to break. From that
experience, I learned that sometimes you need to break to find yourself. Through
finding myself, I was able to acquire more of a voice, I was able to confront past
abusive relationships, I was able to let go, and I was able to learn that abuse is not love.
Abuse is not love. Abuse drains you of your identity. That is not love. Abuse
injects worry and self-doubt into your veins. That is not love. Abuse makes you feel
physically present but mentally never there. That is not love. Abuse tears you down
physically, mentally, and emotionally. That is not love.
Being taught that abuse is love is something I hope many people never are told.
I hope that when you stop staying silent, you won’t have responses like “They love you.
That’s why. It’s okay.” If someone tells you that, don’t listen to them. It is not okay.
Abuse is never okay.
If you were ever like me, too scared to leave an abusive relationship, please know
it is okay. Don’t hate yourself for it. Don’t refuse to forgive yourself for it. The abuse is
not your fault. Sometimes there is no easy choice and we have to make choices to stay
because it feels like that is the only option. There is always more than one option. Be
calculated about your choices. Put yourself first.
At the end of the day, you should be
your number one priority. You should know that you are absolutely beautiful both
inside and out and that you don’t have to suffer at someone else’s hands. You deserve
the whole world.
If you think it is possible and safe, I urge you to find that one person you can
talk to about this. I urge you to find someone to help break free of the chains keeping
you hostage.
I urge you to remember: abuse does not equal love.
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